Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Sometimes I feel like I am having
A young heart attack
Sometimes I feel
The days are turning
Into ash way too fast
Sometimes I feel like things are
Moving way too fast
Sometimes I feel like turning
Onto roads that I have passed

Don't stop
Don't stop the wave


Monday, November 29, 2010

Step 1. Learn how to knit.

Lately I have felt like a total piece of worthless junk. I have decided to make a list in order to better my life and the lives of people around me. My first step is to learn how to knit. That way I can spend my time doing something productive even if I am just sitting on the couch with my dog. I found this cool girl on Etsy today that makes really neat scarves and I want to be like her. All I have to do is teach myself how to knit, make an Etsy account, and make millions from my incredible scarf making techniques. I have also decided that I will read at least one book a week and write about it on here. The book for this week is called Look at the Birdie by Kurt Vonnegut. I'm halfway done with it already so I'm kind of cheating. My goal list includes less time on Facebook, going to bed earlier so I can wake up at 8am every morning, donating plasma twice a week, and volunteering at the humane society once a week. I am also going to blog at least once a day. It's safe to say I'll be extremely busy. I hope I can keep up with my own demands because I'm sick of feeling like a lazy, useless piece of crap. Day one of my new life starts as soon as I wake up. Wish me luck!

P.S. Did I mention I am going to try and work 40 h0ur weeks too?? This will be impossible. VIVA MI VIDA NUEVA.~*~**~


Saturday, November 20, 2010


I think I started babysitting myself when I was really young.

I used to burn plastic, there's definitely something wrong with me.

I had imaginary friends until I was seven. There was a time when I really thought they were real. When I was two I used to scare my parents and I used to talk to them and play with them. My parents thought they were ghosts because I was acting weird. I swear I remember seeing a boy. When my mom looked up their names, she found out it meant something in Sanskrit. I was two when I started seeing them.

My mom was convinced I had a past life and in that past life I was a girl named Emily. When I was younger I told everyone my name was Emily and I named all my dolls Emily. It's like, who the fuck is Emily?

I have strange unexplained fears. Like my fear of water and falling through stairs into water. What do you think that means? I can literally feel the water filling up in my lungs so much they're about to burst.

When my mom went to work I would go to the sink and light pieces of paper on fire. One time I charred the inside of it so bad. I don't know why I did that. God, I was weird. I got in so much trouble for that.

My brother said I used to say strangely reassuring and sophisticated things when I was about four. There were times when I sounded like an eighty-year-old woman.

well im with alexia weaver and she has someone to talk to thats in love with her, fuck her, i hope she's reallly fucking happy with that person. Don't worry about me, I feel good. No one likes me but people who are clinically depressed or clinically insane.

today i learned about Kantian ethics and Utilitarian ethics. I've been keeping a notebook of things I learn everyday. It's amazing how much you learn in a day. I'm not just talking about gossip, but real core learning stuff. Anyway, I digress. Kantian ethics are pretty black and white, if you are a follower of Kantian ethics you follow right and wrong strictly, it's all about means. Utilitarian ethics means you measure the greater impact of things, right and wrong is all situational. Like for instance, here's a pretty classical example to explain the differences in kantian and utilitarian ethics: a kantian ethics believer would say that killing is wrong in every situation. You would not kill one person to save a hundred. Each human life is equal, and right is right and wrong is wrong. a utilitarian ethics follower would say that the ends outweigh the means and of course 100 hundred lives is worth the sacrifice of one.

I personally am a believer of Utilitarian ethics, how could I not be? Maybe it's because I view religion in a secular way. That's another thing I learned today, I learned a lot about the differences between secular religious beliefs and fundamentalist beliefs. I wont go into the details because they are pretty self explanatory. Anyway, back to ethics. No, I'm done with ethics. I'm going to talk about my religious beliefs...

I am an agnostic. I tell people I am a jew, which ethnically I am. I will always be a jew, it's just part of my family history, but personally I am not. Agnostic means I don't know whether there is a god or not. How could I? I am merely human. Agnosticism seems to me to be the only humble belief. I don't know whether there is a divine creator, and really, I don't care. I think it is more important to understand what we do on a day to day basis, and the impact we have on others, and the world around us. I would challenge any fundamentalist to spend one day concerning themselves with the environment rather than their savior. really, why does no one care about the environment. I do now, i recycle and I don't drink bottled water.

I care a lot about my grades, I am sure it's only a temporary obsession. It's a good one though, I'm getting pretty good grades. My theory is that I am replacing any sort of social life, or sense of belonging I may have once had with endless hours of studying. I'm just really obsessed with learning things and studying and scoring high on tests.

I want to be a teacher some day. Like a professor. That is going to take a lot of school, and eventually I am going to have to get over my social awkwardness and overall self consciousness. I want to teach something I am really compassionate about. Probably English or Women's Studies. I am exactly 1/5 of the way through my Women's studies major and only about 1/10 of the way through my English major. Part of the Women's studies major is Practicum, which I think is being a TA. That should be interesting. There is nothing more fascinating to me than gender. Seriously. I am all for the eradication of the gender binary. It's just another method society has put in place to divide us. Boys. Girls. Men. Women. Masculine.Feminine. If we eradicated this idea of dimorphic sex, there would be no excuses for a gendered society. A man would not be excused for hitting his wife simply because society tells us that a man is biologically constructed to be more prone to aggression and violence. It's simply not true. There is nothing about a male's genetic makeup that makes him more prone to violence.

It all comes down to the two principles of understanding sex/gender: essentialism and social constructionism. Essentialism is the belief that the differences between men and women are more than just genitalia, they are innately biological differences that determine not only physical characteristics but also emotional and mental differences. The belief in essentialism allows for a lot of excusing of unsavory male behaviour, just like the example I previously gave. Essentialists often exaggerate the belief of dimorphic sex. Social Constructionists, however, believe that the differences between men and women are mostly socially constructed. That is to say that biologically, there are few differences between men and women, stemming not much further than genitalia. Society creates in us from a young age this idea of gender. Boys wear blue and play with trucks and girls wear pink and emulate the ultra-feminine appearance of their Barbie.

what???? what am I talking about?? I've had a whole lot to drink tonight.
not that I don't believe everything I've just spewed, it's just that Im not sure what I've been talking about because I'm really inebriated.


^ my initials.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010


One time. I hung out with Alyse.
We always do the same things. BUT I LOVE ITTTTTTTTTTTTT. It's after two and we watched this Babies documentary where there was this lil bebe dragging a cat by it's neck and then there was a rooster on the bed. There were also a lot of gro$$ titties but i think that was alyse's plan. And there were babies smashing and eating rocks. ALSO there was this scene where the mom was carving the baby's head with a knife. WHERE did she find that!!??!?! alyse thought they were peeling the skin off the baby's head but twas only a hair cut. Then we watched Roseanne. Then we DJed for hours. We're wearing our comfy pants. I LOVE COMFY PANT/bread/tea nights.

RIP michael jackson


Saturday, November 13, 2010

My Five Star B*tches

My life

is probably boring to just about anyone but myself, but here's what it includes:

1. Homework
2. Studying
3. NPR
4. Bitchmagazine.org
5. whatever book im reading
6. the co-op: that fucking bread gets me.
7. walking
8. capanna, java house, fairgrounds, prairielights
9. readings

i love my life, it's cozy.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Google's Top Five: Girls are so...

Girls are so stupid.

Girls are so dumb.

Girls are so confusing.

Girls are so mean.

Girls are so complicated.

Google's Top Five: Why can't I...

Why can't I lose weight?

Why can't get a job?

Why can't I get pregnant?

Why can't I own a Canadian?

Why can't I hold all these limes?

Google's Top Five: Why do I....

Why do I sweat so much?

Why do I crave salt?

Why do I have no friends?

Why do I bruise so easily?

Why do I live here?

Google's Top Five: Why does....

Why does my eye twitch?

Why does ice float?

Why does my cat lick me?

Why does my dog eat grass?

Why does my mom turn me on?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Adrian Champion Presents: Stars & Stripes - The White Stripes Reimagined from Adrian Champion on Vimeo.

This makes me want to die. Jack White's lyrics are beautiful. Why would you want to remove them?

Favorite Song.

I was sitting there in a comfortable chair
And that was all that I needed

Then my friend offered me a drink for us to share
And that was all that I needed

Well, then I felt at ease
But then I'm not too hard to please

I guess you couldn't call me greedy
Then I was shocked to look up
And see rita hayworth there in a place so seedy
She walked into the bar with her long, red, curly hair
And that was all that I needed

And I said to my friend, "good god, we're lucky men just to even see her"

Take, take, take
Take, take, take
Take, take, take

And I could not resist, I just had to get close to her
And that was all that I needed

I walked and loomed around her table for a while
And that was all that I needed

Then I said, "i hate to bug you, ma'am, but can I have your autograph?"
And that was all that I needed

She pressed her lips against a white piece of paper
And that was all that I needed

Then I saw what she wrote, my heart is in my mouth
And that was all that I needed

Then she handed it to me, and I think that she could see
That that was all that I needed

I started to walk away but then I remembered 'hey, I forgot to get a picture'
So I asked her one more time, "could I have another favor?"
That was all that I needed

She was kind and posed with me
Then I knew my friend would see my celebrity meeting

Take, take, take
Take, take, take
Take, take, take

She turned and said to me, "I need to go to sleep,"
And it seemed so mean
It's almost as if she could not appreciate how cool I was being
She said, "good night" and walked away
And I didn't know what to say
I just couldn't believe it
Well, it's just not fair
I want to get a piece of hair
That was all that I needed

Or maybe a kiss on the cheek
I wouldn't wash it for a week
That would be all that I needed

But she didn't even care
That I was even there
What a horrible feeling

Monday, November 8, 2010

Word of the Day: Stripper

Today at work I learned several things. I learned that even though you buy a totally crappy cup of coffee, there are ways of making it taste even worse. By putting several pumps of artificial flavoring, your coffee can go from dirty to gag-inducing.
Crazy-Eyed Willy from Wal-Mart came in and returned his half empty Diet Hillbilly Holler cans (only 2nd best name to the classic Country Doctor. My sister and her whore freckles love slurping on that Country Doctor.) I'm assuming that Crazy-Eyed Willy from Wally World's cans are filled with nothing but urine considering that the stench resembles a Kirkwood classroom. While holding my breath, I pour out Willy's cans and he tells me the stories that make me proud to be an American. Apparently, at Wal-Mart you're only allowed a certain salary and if you meet that salary from working so much early in the year, you're required to work for no pay for the rest of the year. He also told me that women get paid significantly less than men. Too bad he's preaching to the wrong person because I think women are paid less everywhere. Or maybe my women's studies major friend made that all up (I love you, Alyse.)
Someone just called Hy-Vee and asked that the dog food specialist be directed to the dog food aisle because they're in the store and they need help. I am literally feet away from them. I decided to send my manager over. She looks like she knows her Kibbles 'n' Bits. That same manager asked all the employees to fill out a survey on the new parking lot lights. NO ONE took it seriously and I was laughing myself into a coma. I had to take pictures of them so everyone out there that reads this blog (all 4 of you) understand the severity of this comedic GOLD.
Conifer Smith (my beloved ceramics teacher) must have read my previous post about my potential throw-down because she was mysteriously nice to me this morning. Actually, she invited the whole class to study abroad with her in Japan this July but I knew it was mainly directed towards me because her puny Satan eyes were glittering the most in my direction. That could have been due to the fact that we were outside around a blazing fire and I was standing where there was no smoke. Even though I'm pretty sure she was just picturing me in my birthday suit.
Today was the first day that I enjoyed ceramics even a little bit. I made a bowl and it did not ignite and then explode into a million shards. I only wish that Snooki was here to celebrate with me. Hell, even a cardboard cut out of her 4'9" alien body would make me happy. I just need someone to go with me to pick up meat-heads at the gym.
I ordered the Situation's new book, "Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore" from Amazon as soon as I got home. I guess Barnes & Noble is too classy to carry the Sitch's book because when I went in there and demanded it, the woman behind the counter contemplated beating me up right then and there. Even though I find it hard to believe that they are too good for that kind of book. Last book I bought there (Ecstasy by Irvine Welsh) had an entire chapter discussing the difference between being intimate with a child and an animal. I'm not sure what's wrong with Irvine Welsh but I immediately felt sick and put that book down. There is no way that the Situation's book can be less classy than intercourse with a lamb (thank you Irvine Welsh for that mental picture). Either way, I'm excited to get it in the mail so I can laugh fa dayz and drool over his perfectly sculpted man-body.
Speaking of nude, I have to get to work on my serial killer paper. I'm wondering how many paragraphs I can devote to homemade lobotomies. If only Jeffrey Dahmer wasn't beat to death by his bitch in prison...I could've asked him to help me write it.

Conifer Smith...

I was seconds away from tearing into my ceramics teacher's old wrinkly flesh with my wordage when I realized that she could get on our blog at any time and read the beginnings of a great rap battle. In order to make sure she would have no way of ever finding my stinging words, I googled a line from our blog to see if it would show up. Yes, it was dumb. Yes I was (am) paranoid. The line I carefully stripped from our site was this sentence: seriously, im so mad at you. FUCK YOU TOO UNIVERSITY STUDENTS, because all you care about are bars.
and this is the first option google gave me: http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/justin/12-11-05.htm.
The article is titled "Ten Things I Don't Understand About Black People." I'm not sure what kind of site this is but I was thoroughly entertained for hours. Another article I found was one titled "How to Be a Drug Dealer" and it suggests that one applies for health insurance AKA "fight protection" before becoming a drug dealing superstar. Last but certainly not least was the blog entry "Alright, Which Asshole Brought Crack to the Coke Party?" by a Mr. Cheeter McGriddle. The best line, "My wife would flip if she ever knew there was crack in our house!" is one I can really relate to.
Well, I would stick around but I have a new article to read. "Dear Black People: Stop Haunting My Dreams" here I come.

P.S. Conifer, I shall bash you another day.


missin you pep

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Well, I just wanted to say FUCK YOU IOWA.

seriously, im so mad at you. FUCK YOU TOO UNIVERSITY STUDENTS, because all you care about are bars. I hope you like drinking, because you wont have any rights someday, it might be all you have left. OR MAYBE THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT IS GOING TO TAKE THAT AWAY TOO.

Kanye West - Runaway (Full-length Film)

BEST VIDEO EVER. I think I have watched this 20 times today. Kanye you're such an asshole but I love this so much.

Monday, November 1, 2010


I am not Jasmine, I’m Aladdin
So far ahead, these bums is laggin’
See me in that new thing, bums is gaggin’
I’m startin’ to feel like a dungeon dragon
Raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
I’m startin’ to feel like a dungeon dragon
Look at my show footage, how these girls be spazzin’
So fuck I look like gettin’ back to a has-been?
Yeah, I said it, has-been
Hang it up, flatscreen
(Haha) Plasma
Hey Nicki, hey Nicki, asthma
I got the pumps, it ain’t got medicine
I got bars, Xenocin
I’m a bad bitch, I’m a cunt
And I’ll kick that hoe, punt
Forced trauma, blunt
You play the back, bitch, I’m in the front
You need a job, this ain’t cuttin’ it
Nicki Minaj is who you ain’t fuckin’ with
You li’l brag a lot, I beat you with a pad-a-lock
I am a movie, camera block
You outta work, I know it’s tough
But enough is enough

Raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Like a dungeon dragon, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Like a dungeon dragon, like a dungeon dragon


I ain’t into S&M, but my whip’s off the chain
A little drop of candy paint drips off the frame
Twisted-ass mind, got a pretzel for a brain
An eraser for a head, fuckin’ pencil for a frame
You don’t like it then peel off, bitch
Every last woman on Earth I’ll kill off, and I still wouldn’t fuck you, slut
So wipe the smile on your grill off, I swear to God I’ll piss a Happy Meal off
Get the wheels turnin’, spin, and wheel off
Snap the axel in half, bust the tie-rod
Quit hollerin’ “Why, God?” He ain’t got shit to do with it
Bygones’ll never be bygones, so won’t be finished swallowin’ my wad
I ain’t finished blowin’ it, nice bra
Hope it’ll fit a tough titty, bitch
Life’s hard, I swear to God, life is a dumb blonde white broad
With fake tits and a bad dye job
Who just spit in my fuckin’ face and called me a fuckin’ tightwad
So finally I broke down and bought her an iPod
And caught her stealin’ my music, so I tied her arms and legs to the bed
Set up the camera and pissed twice on her
Look, two pees and a tripod!
The moral to the story is, life’s treatin’ you like dry sod?
Kick it back in its face, my God
It’s Shady and Nicki Minaj, you might find the sight quite odd
But don’t ask why, bitch (Ask why not)

The wo-world is my punchin’ bag and
If I’m garbage, you’re a bunch of maggots
Make that face, go on, scrunch it up at me
Show me the target so I can lunge and attack it

Like a, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
You fell off, off, they musta bumped your wagon
You musta went off the back, I’m ’bout to go off the deep end
I told you to stay in your lane, you just choked in traffic

(Nicki Minaj)

(I-I-I-I-Is) Is this the thanks that I get for puttin’ you bitches on?
Is it my fault that all of you bitches gone?
Shoulda sent a thank-you note, you little ho
Now I’ma wrap your coffin with a bow
(Ni-ni-ni) “Nicki, she’s just mad ’cause you took the spot”
Word, that bitch mad ’cause I took the spot?
Well, bitch, if you ain’t shittin’, then get off the pot
Got some ***** out in Brooklyn that’ll off your top
I-I-I-I hear them mumblin’, I hear the cacklin’
I got ‘em scared, shook, panickin’
Overseas, church, Vatican
You at a stand, still, mannequin
You wanna sleep on me? Overnight?
I’m the motherfuckin’ boss, overwrite
And when I pull up, vroom, motorbike
Now all my ***** gettin’ bucked, overbite
I see them dusty-ass Filas, Levi’s
Raggedy-ass, holes in your knee-highs
I call the play, now do you see why?
These bitches callin’ me Manning, Eli
(Manning, Eli!) Ma, ma-ma-ma-ma, Manning, Eli
These bitches callin’ me (Manning, Eli)


A-a-a-a-all you li’l faggots can suck it
No home, but I’ma stick it to ‘em like refrigerator magnets
And I’m crooked enough to make straitjackets bend
Yeah, look who’s back again, bitch, keep actin’ as if
You have the same passion that I have
Yeah, right, still hungry, my ass
You assdicks had gastric bypass
Ain’t hot enough to set fire to dry grass
And ’bout as violent as hair on eyelids (Eyelash!)
Go take a flyin’ leap of faith off a fuckin’ balcony
‘Fore I shove a falcon wing up your fly ass
You know what time it is, so why ask?
When Shady and Nicki’s worlds class
It’s (high class) meets (white trash)

Raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Like a dungeon dragon, like a dungeon dragon

Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
Like a dungeon dragon, like a dungeon dragon

Grown men! Grown men!
Stop it, stop it!
You’ve gone mad, mad, I tell you, mad!
You and this boy Slim Shady!
What’s goin’ on?
They’ll lock you away!
They’ll put you in a jail cell!
I promise!
Take your mother’s warning, Roman
Back to bed! Run along!
Let’s go! Come on!
Wash your mouth out with soap, boys


International House of Pancakes

I ordered
potato pancakes, nothing like bubbe's recipe
it's halloween morning, and hitler's sitting behind me, dolly parton asking to refill me
it's not a costume, just her close resemblance.

I sat, hung over and cynical about the night before
at the party,
thinking I should have left, but instead i sat on the bathroom floor
and wandered why I always end up in the most bizarre places
grabbed a playboy from a rack, and stole the centerfold
Miss September rolling with diamonds, I put her in my pocket.

outside my best friend was talking to a soldier,
said he hates fags and likes to blow things up
a real pyromaniac

I grab her hand and we leave,
I steal, from nails in the wall, an old framed picture of a large pile of corn crib
i'd liked it all night, thought it would look nice on my dresser

on the porch a 30 some asks us if we wanted to blaze in his van
we ran to the car

I always end up in the darnedest places, but
hash browns are the only thing that make me feel better,
the service is bad, and the ambience is worse
I decided I wouldn't pay, so
I order a shortstack and a tall chocolate milk,
i grabbed my friend's hand and we dashed and dined,
i imagine dolly upset over my 11.75 and to her,
I say sorry.

this is the first poem I have ever written.