Tuesday, December 22, 2009

keeping the CHRIST in CHRISTmas

The Holidays do not make me feel merry in the slightest bit. Sure it's nice to have Hot Cocoa on a cold morning, but you can do that in the Summer, just open the freezer ajar. The snow looks nice while it falls but soon it turns into dark gray puddles on your sidewalk. Christmas makes me sad really, It robs all other holidays of importance, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are grossly overshadowed by America's Capitalistic birthday. Christmas is just another holiday. What does it celebrate exactly? The birth of Jesus? No...not really. Even to the most devout Christians there is nothing to celebrate, Jesus was not born in December, nor was he manufactured in the North pole. However I do not hate the holiday season just to be contrary, probably most of my hatred is rooted in the fact that I work with the general public. Instead of being joyful that one awful year will end and subsequently an equally awful year will begin, people are in such a frenzy to entertain their guests that they forget all manners whether it be while driving or grocery shopping, the Holiday stress consumes them.

I must have a face that says to people, "Hello! ask me questions while browsing the aisles, I know where every product is located no matter how obscure. Ask me. Really. I'm not doing anything important at all." For yesterday I was stopped by at least 10 customers in an hour. One lady, a typical midwestern mother asked me why we don't have any Mrs. Butterworth's Family Size Pancake Syrup in stock. After telling her that I didn't know why, she continued, "Well this is the second time I've come to YOUR store looking for the jumbo size. I'm not made of money you know! This is the third time this week I've had to buy a small bottle." I didn't believe her. There is no possible way a family, however large could go through 3 Mrs. Butterworth's Original sized Pancake Syrup bottles, especially considering it was only Monday, even if she did consider Sunday the start of the week. The Goselin's couldn't even manage that. "Well it looks like I'm going to have to go to Wal-Mart AGAIN!" "Yes. It looks like you will," I said. I turn the corner into the next aisle sweating a bit. That is the closest I have come to being rude to a customer and it really did make me feel sick, but how dare she...MY store, give me a break, she is closer to owning a Hy-vee than I am. Not only are people exceptionally rude, but they are so panicked that it often leads to sickness. The other day a young girl threw up what looked to me to be atleast 3 meals worth of Chicken Noodle Soup, Campbell's if I had to guess. Did I complain that the sight made me want to vomit as well? Or that I could still smell the stench in my nose that night when I was trying to fall asleep? No. So why should you (generic housewife with bad hair,) complain that there is not a sufficient amount of Mrs. Butterworth's to fulfill whatever need for a copious amount of pure hydrogenated corn syrup that you might have.

Life on the homefront also takes a turn for the worse. People want presents, family is coming to town, and the ever dreaded annual cleaning rampage is occurring. My mother makes an art of this. I can hear her running frantically in circles in the early morning. Sure things need to be straightened up, but she takes it one level past insanity, polishing silver drawer pulls that are never pulled, or dusting behind the refrigerator. I cannot hardly imagine what would happen should we be expecting several relatives to be staying with us, but it is just my older sister and nephew. Would they notice the polished drawer pulls? Or the thin layer of dust behind the refrigerator had it been left to accumulate? Most likely not.

By far the worst part of the holidays is the annual christmas card we will undoubtedly receive from my Aunt and Uncle. Though we are the oddball of the family, we are not forgotten. Though my mom's side of the family are biological jews my immediate family is the only practicing sect left in the Goldberg family. My Uncle and Step Aunt are both Evangelical Christians. Both were conventionally attractive and legally wed to other people when they met in the Police academy and partook in a passionate affair. After awhile my uncle divorced and married his cop lover. That is when my Uncle was born again. Now we have started receiving cards from him with bible verses scrawled all over them. Though the general christian message never changes, the cards themselves seem to be getting more hilarious. The card this year may be the best ever. The front is a photograph of a very snowy field with a fence in the distance. The text reads, in the most ridiculous purple font I have ever seen: "Be sure of this--that I am with you...ALWAYS..." John 16:22 Had this been a Christmas card written from a tattoo to a human forearm it would seem very appropriate, as a once a year greeting to your Jewish relatives, not so much. Next to a large trail of foot steps which seem to belong to some bizarre animal it is written: "His presence is the present that means everything." I imagine a greasy old man peeing at a urinal of the "His Word" card manufacturing company's corporate office thinking aloud and praising himself on how brilliantly punny he is. Inside the card in an equally cheesy font it says "Today, tomorrow, and always--rest secure in the everlasting arms of the Savior that loves you more than you know. Have a Blessed Holiday, and remember to keep the CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS!" Just as there will never be an I in team, Christmas will never again be a religious holiday, no matter how hard my Aunt and Uncle campaign. As if the card did not make it's point obnoxiously clear, my uncle wrote on the footer of the card "May the joy of the season, and God's peace be yours now and for the coming New Year! And may the spirit of the Maccabees enrich the days of Hanukkah." In the top right hand corner is written: "Christmas 2009," as if we have ever kept a card from them so long that we could not keep them in order of year. If Uncle ___ and Aunt ____ were the kind of relatives that are always stopping by to say hello, or even calling to say Happy Birthday, we would most likely allow their Christmas card to pass. We might say "Hey some people enjoy forcing their religion on people disguised as a holiday wish, and some people don't." Or even "Can't beat 'em forget 'em." But they are not those type of relatives, and we are not forgiving people. Instead we bash them, we bash them until we have dragged out all of their dirty laundry, and then we laugh. It is then that we are all together and united by the hilarity of our Christmas card that we all remember the true meaning of the Holidays. For in the long run it is not important what gifts you will receive but the company in which you bash your Evangelical relatives that will remain true in your hearts.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Aunt Mimi, town hero.

Today 3 Linn County sheriffs hand delivered to my Aunt Mimi, a season pass to see Dane Cook's "Isolated Incident Tour", as a thank you gift for the citizens arrest of a inebriated young Korean man, last Saturday at The Rut. My Auntie Mimi, already the talk of the town, knocked out and sat on the chest of said man after his hand took an unfortunate trip up her skirt. Mimi is pals with all cops in the surrounding area, which is smart on her behalf, and they happen to know that she fancies Dane Cook. Believe me, their sentiment was not ill received. As soon as the sheriffs left she grabbed her driving loafers and went down to the 7 Eleven and quit her damn job! She dipped into some savings that she was supposed to use toward a Silver Bullet Trailer for herself and Carl. She got the oil checked, and gave the Cad' a tune up. She leaves on Thursday for a Super 8 Motel somewhere in Hershey, Pennsylvania. She won't be home for Christmas or her and Carl's anniversary. When that lady gets an idea in her head she loses all common sense. I guess in a way this really is a dream come true for her.
Ever since Aunt Mimi saw Dane Cook on Oprah in 2006 she's been a fan. In 2007 she bought all web domains available, www.Danecook.com, www.DANECOOKFANZ.com and www.DC4ME.org. In 2008 she hired a local artist to depict him in the nude. She taped her bucketlist to the medicine cabinet, and sandwiched in between "See Reba McEntire," and "2nd Honeymoon in Branson," is "Have Dane Cook fondle breasts. She's convinced that once she meets Dane, Reba will suddenly be attainable. I guess this would be as good a chance as ever to start living her dreams. As for Carl and I? It will be an E&J Christmas, but we'll be okay, we've made it on our own before.

^ Dane Mania!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

happy pets

Today is Thanksgiving, and everyone knows that means it will result in an extremely boring day. I've spent most of the day on the computer and watching TV, which is really no different from any other day. I was FB chatting when a girl I knew told me to play this cyber pet game called Happy pets. I know this sounds really dumb, but it is super addictive. I adopted three cats, and fed them and all of that, and visited my friends' cats. Most of them have a pretty posh set up. Except there is this one bitch who has one lonely kitten who is STARVING to DEATH!!!!! And her litter box hasn't been cleaned in god knows how long. This is just disgusting. I sent her this little notification that says "____, it looks like your cats are starving, please feed them." That was an hour ago. I know it's Thanksgiving, but i happened to notice that she is using Facebook Mobile. So she probably go the message and is just content to let her pet starve. I know that this is just a cyber game and in no way does this reflect her true character, but for the love of god, just put your pet up for adoption. I'm only on level 2, and am not allowed to adopt another pet until level 8. I'm going to have to skip my family dinner just so I can rescue her poor cats. To make matters that much worse her cats' names are Starbucks and Missy. Dear God.

Monday, November 23, 2009

smaller than most we fit into tiny places.

Here's my playlist for the cold months and rainy days

1). It's winter and you don't love me anymore- Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
2). Hello Rain- Dear Nora
3). Cold White Christmas- Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
4). When the Wind Blows- Dear Nora
5). Winter of '94- Henry's Dress
6). Indian Summer- Beat Happening
7). Cold Mountain- Mt. Eerie
8). Where there are trees- Josephine Foster
9). Just Ice- Thanksgiving
10). Fall Flood- Little Wings
11). Depth of Blue- Karl Blau
12). Tahiti Rain Song- Cocorosie
13). Watch the Waves- Taken By Trees
14). Four Hearts- Metallic Falcons
15). Buried in Teeth- Orion Rigel Dommisse

Here's something I'm thinking. I travel the world taking pictures of people that look like Topanga (Boy Meets World,) and make a book called "Topanga Days."

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Oh, the horror!

Today in my spanish class I learned that people in Peru eat guinea pigs instead of oh, IDK...chicken or cow. I thought this was slightly humorous but then I remembered that Wolf Blitzen loves guinea pigs more than a frantic mother loves her bouncing baby and it made me sad.

I just got a new puppy. Her name is Ollie. She has slept in my bed for the 3 nights we've had her and I don't think I'm going to continue the tradition anymore. Why you ask? Oh, I'll tell you why.

1st night: She somehow ended up on the floor. Call me crazy but last time I checked, 10 week old puppies aren't supposed to land directly on their head while they're deep in their baby dreams.
2nd night: She got lost in the blankets. Who knows how long she was twisted in that blanket to the point where her tiny dacshund legs couldn't break her free from that fleece monster.
3rd night (last night): I woke to find her squished in between my back and the matress.
You poor, poor dog. What did you do to deserve that?
OH! And I would probably blog more if Ms.Blitzen would change the language on our blog back to ENGLISH because I don't know FRENCH. Jerk.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

No more little trinkets...

You know when they say it rains it pours? Well they're right (whoever "they" is.) Uncle Carl didn't get home from the Rut last night until near 3:30, and you better believe Aunt Mimi was up when he arrived. I was in bed and could hear him stumblin' around drunk as a sailor's dog, and Aunt Mimi sure let him have it. This morning when I woke, Aunt Mimi was screaming because she lost her lucky bunny foot in Uncle Carl's car yesterday morning. We had gone down to the grocery store, and like always she had that damn foot in her lap when she made a wrong turn down a one-way street and just about hit a hearse head on. Well the foot went flying, as did I. How's that for luck. She didn't even realize it was gone until last night when Carl took the car. Well I 'spose she searched every inch of that car, and she finally did find it, in addition to a pair of purple frilly panties that Uncle Carl had stashed in the glovebox. Poor Aunty Mimi. Carl took it real smooth though, he didn't even look up from his paper when she came burstin' through the door at breakfast, he just said, "You oughtn't worry your pretty little head over it." As for me? I got the hell out of there. Everything seemed to be okay when I came home, except Mimi had smashed all of Carl's beloved figurines. He'd collected them since he was a young boy from inside each Bigelow tea-box. On the floor porcelain animals were smashed to a million little pieces. I 'spose Mimi thought she was getting even with Carl, but she didn't know how much it bothered me to see his little trinkets on the ground. I didn't know what to do so I sat down and watched Golden Girls with Mimi, and Carl walked in from a night at The Rut, saw his trinkets and felt a little more sobered, no doubt.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Poem of the Evening

i love getting coffee
even when it's flavored like toffee
mom when is dinner?
i'm hungry and getting thinner
i wish i could wear a cowboy hat and pull it off
just kidding that guy guy looks like a dork
i hope i make it into college
wolf blitzen needs to stop crushing on 15 year olds
i love to bite bite bite
that guy smells bad
i need to find a new love for my job
if i don't i will be eating off the dollar menu
can you tell i'm hungry?
why can't i think of anyone i don't like?
i don't like anyone
and yet i can't come up with names
bowling is on thursday
hurray for that?
psych. i'd rather stick my torn off fingernails under my eye lids and punch myself in the face
i want my internet to work so i can blog like this everyday
lucky for you i don't
lizards lizards lizards
why won't anyone mail me letters back?
i wish i didn't like mailing letters so much
i was sick yesterday and the day before
and the day before
i found a new love for poetry
i miss halloween
they are never fun
for me, atleast.
i wish i knew who my friends were

i wish we were all a little more like cats.

bonsoiree, Luna Zuna.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Hello Bloggers

Today at work I dropped this lady's Mexican dip all over the floor. She was pretty mean about it, and even though the deli must make about 10 of those damn things a day she of course grabbed the last one. I know it sucks to have some klutzy twat drop your shitty dip on the floor but this lady had a huge attitude. I wanted to see her eat it off the floor, but of course I had to act really sorry about it. I really was sorry until she got all uppity. Later someone started screaming and a fire truck came. Someone could have died for all I knew, but by that time I had been working 7 hours and after about 5 I get into robot mode and I stop using my brain and rely on my mechanical routine.
Bowling starts tomorrow. I really don't even want to go to the informational meeting, but I probably will because I'm secretly hoping I'll be really good and make my school proud and everyone will worship me.
I've been listening to my Last.Fm radio all afternoon and it seems to be stuck on Jeffrey Lewis. I doubt anyone else has a strong opinion about Jeffrey Lewis, but I really don't like him. I mean I do like him, but it's the kind of like that you rarely feel and mostly just hate. Anyone? Like I feel the same way about Cat Power and shit like that. It's better than bad but it just falls somewhere in the middle. This is random but how many people do you think comment on videos or songs on youtube or pandora (etc) in different languages just to seem cooler? because I do sometimes...a lot of the time. Same thing when people buy candy bars and then insist you put them in the bag because it's definitely not for them it's for their kid or their gynecologist or something. I just know they are in their car hitting their head on the steering wheel just to get to their snack. God.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I've watched a few of Julia Potts' videos, they are all great.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Im not playing hard to get, Im just playing hard to get.

Today has been the worst. I know this is not a blog for whining, but i really want to just whine. 
First of all i hate school so much, I never used to hate school, and I had really high expectations for senior year and it turns out it's actually way worse than all the other years. I am going to be so happy to leave. I got accepted to the University of Iowa, which is good news. Now i just have to not fail any classes, like Econ. I'm supposed to read 47 pages for of "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad for AP lit tomo. It's so boring. It's about a sailor and his ship problems, as if thats something I could relate to. I must be having lady time soon because I'm just having so many emotions. I signed this petition on facebook about all the dolphin killings in Africa (are there even dolphins in africa? i don't think so...) and read a little about the rest of my causes and just started crying. I'm so lame. 
I recently regained a friend, thats a plus I guess, but considering how many I've lost it doesn't seem that significant. I really miss my college friends. College must really change a person. I got this faux fur vest that I really like, thats good too. I had coffee with Grandma today, overall it sucked, but she had a few funny lines. She was talking about H1N1, but kept calling it HIV1. Ha! y'know, like AIDs, nothing is funnier than AIDs.  
I got in a really big fight with my mom. That seems to bother me more than anything else because she's really good at fights. She knows just exactly my insecurities. most of the time now I don't feel like she wants me to be at home anymore, which is too bad because now more than ever I want to be home. I don't want to move. I've never lived anywhere else and i don't want to live in a dorm with strangers. 
I saw "Where the Wild THings Are," with Alexia. It was so great. I cried during that too, but I feel less lame about that because Alexia did too. I had a really good weekend, that counts for something! Lately I think I just want to be a DJ, but I really am not very social and I don't own a record player. Those are both things I could work at, but it seems easier not to.
Sorry i've been such a downer, probably it's the weather. 

here's something to make you laugh..

And here's something to make you sad again...

Saturday, October 10, 2009

It was the middle of the night in my house

It's snowing!!! I'm excited, I ordered my coat yesterday...a little late I guess. God I can't wait to go get gloves. I love this time of year. I've been trying to do a lot of fall things. Last night I went to a haunted house downtown with my 7th grade best friend. I didn't even want to go in, and I ended up holding this stranger in front of me i was so scared. I felt a little weird about that, but I felt like less of a creep when she put her mouth on my hand. Hah i think she thought it was her hand.
This morning I fed some cats and watered some basil plants.  Luna sent me this nice package with a really great mix CD in it. All my guilty favorites, She Wolf, that blackeyed peas song the ring a ling one, some Britney, and that really bad pop song that goes lalal alal lalalalal. I hope someone knows which one that is. 
Sorry we haven't been writing. It's not that we've been busy, we're just really lazy asses. To make up for up I'll include a guilty pleasures playlist. With significance in order...

1). Remix to Ignition, R Kelly.
2). The first cut is the deepest, Sheryl Crow
3). Sex and Candy, Marcy Playground
4). Oh Aaron, Aaron Carter
5). One Week, Barenaked Ladies
6). Toxic, Britney (<--that is how she spells it right?) 
7). the Eve 6 song thats like put my tender heart in a blender.
8). Redneck Woman, Gretchen Wilson
9). Birthday Sex, Jeremih
10). This one should actually be in place 3). What if God were one of us, Joan Osbourne.

I'm not ashamed.  Also, does anyone realize how good Leslie Gore is? I just started listening to her, she's so good.

Hahaha, so look at the profile of the kid that made that video. So unexpected.

Monday, September 21, 2009

four heartz

I don't really have much to write about, except Organic Chemistry is really kicking my ass. And Aunt Mimi and Uncle Carl are fightin' nasty. Carl's mad that aunty goes out to The Rut every night. The Rut is this really gross bar on Mt. Vernon, Aunt Mimi likes it though. She's not very picky as long as they carry PBR. I guess I can see where they are both coming from, I mean Uncle Carl worked hard all day paintin' the Cad' Mimi is on this kick where everything has to be pink. EVERYTHING. He works hard all day and she never gets out of the house. I try to keep her company the best I can. We play craps and trance dance, but she just can't beat the bottle. I know they love each other deep down. We're all going to the camp ground this weekend. Probably a little R&R will do the trick just right. Well O Chem is calling.
Aunt Mimi, before "The Rut"
Here are some songs i've been hearing today
Four Hearts- Metallic Falcons
Fake Yer Death- Orion Rigel Dommisse
Will you still love me tomorrow?- Carole King
Dust my Broom- Elmore James
Our Favorite Idols-Shenandoah Davis

Hey ya'll. Here's a rundown of my day.
1. Went to walking class by myself, forgot to put my 40lb backpack in my truck, so i had to carry it the whole time. Realized I left my headphones in my truck so i couldn't listen to Kid Cudi's new album. Inhaled a fly and then walked into a huge spider web immediately after. Got a rock in my shoe. My foot bled.
2.My dad just asked me when my birthday was.
I hope tomorrow is just as awesome!
--Luna Zuna

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Saturday is for the pigs.

I've never been so smitten with something, someone than i am with piglet.

Friday, September 18, 2009

TGIF (That one's for you, Wolf Blitzen.)

It is 8:58 in the am and I am in my Plato class. For anyone who doesn't know what that is, it's a course you take on the computer because you failed the course last year when you took it with NORMAL kids in a NORMAL class environment. In my case, this course happens to be 2nd year algebra term 3. I have found that I do the best on my tests when I listen to either: Muse's new album- The Resistance, or Twista's new album- Category F5. It's good shit, check em out.

I just finished my report on David Attenborough who is the narrator on Blue Planet and Planet Earth. Usually I find writing reports as dull as watching a sloth (excluding sloth dad, of course.) but I found Mr. Attenborough really interesting and possibly the greatest old man in the history of the world. There was one quote that he said about his view on religions. It's exactly how I feel and it has made me hang on to my title as an agnostic even more. It was:

"My response is that when Creationists talk about God creating every individual species as a separate act, they always instance hummingbirds, or orchids,sunflowers and beautiful things. But I tend to think instead of a parasitic worm that is boring through the eye of a boy sitting on the bank of a river in West Africa, [a worm] that's going to make him blind. And [I ask them], 'Are you telling me that the God you believe in, who you also say is an all-merciful God, who cares for each one of us individually, are you saying that God created this worm that can live in no other way than in an innocent child's eyeball? Because that doesn't seem to me to coincide with a God who's full of mercy"- David Attenborough
--Luna Zuna

Thursday, September 17, 2009

today and yesterday, the past and the present, September 16 and sepember 17th

Today and yesterday were both interesting days. yesterday i worked until ten which usually blows a ton, and it did. sometimes i'm convinced that there is a universally bad day. Everyone that came through my line was in an awfully terrible mood. This one lady was so nasty to me i actually wanted to cry just because she was scaring me so much. That has only ever happened one time and the lady said she was going to rip out my eyeballs if i rolled them again. i guess i was rolling my eyes. I can see how that is annoying, but i don't mean to. This lady came in talking on her cell phone so loudly that the lady in front of her looked like she was going to go through the roof. I felt so uncomfortable i worked as fast as i could to get her out of the store and as far away from the loud bitch as i could. The rest of the night went pretty fast. I found the best grocery list ever. i'll have to scan it in or something. 
Today alexia and i went to subway for lunch. i got a 3 inch sub instead of 6 and got the third degree from her. It's just when I eat all 6 inches i feel sick. GOD WHO CARES?!?! Im so boring. Alexia, Skidmark, and i went on a mini iowafest 2009. More on that later. Watched murder shows all night, now i gotta sleep with the lights on. Last time i scared myself so much that i wanted to sleep in my momma and dads bed, but i guess they refuse. 
Tomorrow will be the future, and i cant say yet how that will be. I can say that i am pretty excited for my outfit.  It might possibly be the ugliest thing i have ever worn, and i always strive for that.  Im gonna wear this really ugly t-shirt from the 80s with a giant abstract swan on it. I found it today in my closet. My aunt mimi picked it up for me at a garage sale along time ago. I hated it then, for good reason. love it now, for better reasons. 

Oh man, i almost forgot. Sometimes when my mother thinks that no one is listening to her she talks to the dogs. usually its about how much she loves them, or how fat they are. Sometimes, however, it's because they peed on the floor. I overheard a little of their conversation this afternoon: (Note: it has been edited for all audiences)
"you are all going to hell, everyone of you. you will all go to dog hell, you nasty piece of shit dogs. Bad dogs, there is no reason for this. we're going to give you all away to some slaughterhouses, bad rotten dogs, you awful creations. God. do you hear me?"
None of this is true of course, otherwise it wouldn't be funny. 

god this is the longest post ever. 

Now that i have my mac i watch all the featured youtube videos, and this one is a gem:
^Look at that kids hair!!!!!!!

This one is just because im really into this girls music.

I'm sure by now anyone that may have possibly been reading has stopped, but if you haven't then...Bacon is good for you. 

--wolf blitzen

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Theres a Light that Never Goes Out...

I really hope there is someone that is maybe even a little obsessed with the smiths out there reading this. Otherwise, i'll look awful silly.  So with a little googling I found  this article   http://www.believermag.com/exclusives/?read=article_veltman

It's pretty lengthy so if you don't feel like reading it I'll just explain it. Basically this article proves that Stephen Morrissey, frontman for The Smiths, is actually the second coming of Jesus. It sounds farfetched, but it's true. I've always had my doubts when it comes to religion, but not now. If there is one man that could absolve my sins and lead me to the afterlife its him. 

Probably you want some evidence...

1). Morrissey predicted the death of Princess Diana. If you listen to "there's a light that never goes out" carefully, he has clearly predicted the death of Princess Diana. 

--This song was released as a single, only in France, where lady di was living and was called "The Queen is Dead" 

"Take me out tonight Because I want to see people and i Want to see life Driving in your car Oh, please dont drop me home Because its not my home, its their Home, and Im welcome no more And if a double-decker bus Crashes into us To die by your side Is such a heavenly way to die And if a ten-ton truck Kills the both of us To die by your side Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine Take me out tonight Take me anywhere, I dont care I dont care, I dont care And in the darkened underpass I thought oh god, my chance has come at last (but then a strange fear gripped me and i Just couldnt ask)" --"Theres a light that Never Goes Out"

yep, he's a saint, probably. there is much more evidence that proves he is jesus on that article, probably. I can't be sure because I got bored and stopped reading after the Princess Diana part. It's okay i don't need evidence. 

Here's my september playlist:

Frankly Mr. Shankly-- The Smiths

Proof- Shenandoah Davis

Girlfriends Dont Keep- Bratmobile

Dear Nora- Everyone's the Same

The Concretes- Song of the Songs

Never Let me down Again-Depeche Mode

Hung up - Dear Nora

Psychic City- YACHT

--wolf blitzen

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Meet My Jew Friend, Wolf Blitzen.

Wolf Blitzen and I are at a coffeeshop. This is the first of the many interviews for Wolf Blitzen.

Where were you born? -Iowa City, Iowa.
How many siblings do you have? -Three.
If you were a dog, who's butt would you not smell? -Nelly Furtado.
Considering you're lactose intolerant, what do you think people say about that behind your back? -They probably think I drink breast milk.... from a sickly sheep's teat. you know, like the ones we took pictures of?
If you could come up with a new coffee, what would it be called and what would it consist of? -IDK
When you grow up, what do you want to be? -I want to be rich, I want to be famous, I want to have boobies.

--Luna Zuna

an interview with Luna Zuna
which fictional characters are you and your best friend like? whoever that best friend is...
--Enid Coleslaw and Rebecca. 
--because i hang out with a dorky jew and we hate everyone. 
What are your top three favorite songs? 
--She Wolf 
--Walking on Ice by Twista feat. Gucci mayne
--tying your shoes song from spongebob. 

we gotta be done. we're sorry. we tried.

--wolf blitzen.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I wish I had a friend that made me a fleece deer suit instead of spending countless hours blogging about her real best friend, Rachel A. Oakes.
I hope lightning strikes you down.

On the other hand,

a response from wolf blitzen...
sometimes, a lot of the time i wish i had a friend that would carve miniature figurines with me on the weekends instead of eating potato chips from the cracks in her sofa (i've seen it.) There is so much tension between us right now because we had a big fight today at work. Alexia is an awful employee and usually gets me in trouble. Today she flirted with our manager so she could go home early and check her facebook while still on the clock. I was working really hard. Extra hard because she was one less employee. 

Thats the real Alexia. thats what she's really like. she's mean and has a hard time with proper sentence structure. and she's always talking about her real best friend Brittany Quaid. 

I hope you're stuck on the receiving end of a glory hole...

JUST KIDDING!!! you're my best friend, and i was only kind of serious about some of those things!

In other words...
BIG NEWS its so big alexia doesn't even know it yet. My very best friend from middle school and fellow diehard Smiths fan, Madi is going to do a post on the blog about all the evidence she has that Morrissey is some sort of God. Apparently this is a pretty well known conspiracy. I don't know for sure, but I'd be willing to believe it. But I'm super excited because Madi's the best and she was there for me during my "punk" phase in 7th grade. She's seen the very worst of me. Including when my ear swelled up because i put a paper clip through it...oh man thats embarrassing . Well thats all. you can expect a post from her sometime in the next 4-6 weeks. 

--Wolf Blitzen

Saturday, September 5, 2009

c'est trop mignonne

Today i found out that i had a cat named after me. incredible! I've never been important  enough to have a cat named after me. It's not an old dull cat either, its a new kitten. She'll live for at least nine lives in my honor. remarkable.  it's not even an american cat. She's French!!! She lives in a small town named Salagnon on a little cottage in the woods.  she's living with my french host family and their 20+ other cats. Every morning i would wake up and look out the wooden window onto the lawn and there would be tons of cats all lounging in piles on the hill. So cute.  i wish i could have blogged in france, so many funny things happened...

If i was a cat thats what i would look like I think... she's the one on the left. 

now i feel like i'm kind of responsible for her existence and i feel obligated to contribute to her life in some way. but i just cant be there for her. 

Also, there has been some awful news...Alexia's beloved truck Minkus has died officially. He has to be sold for parts. and even in parts he wont be worth much. Poor minkus, so many fun memories with that truck. We're going to have a memorial, probably we'll dedicate a post to that. 

And by we i mean me because alexia is apparently never going to have a computer and will never blog.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Best senior picture ever...

sorry i cant make it any larger, but this is my friend rachel's senior picture with her cat nermal.
im very jealous. 
i promise maybe one day i will write something, but this was just too good. 

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The most difficult task yet...

The Treasure sisters are attempting the most difficult task in our 18 years of life...

Eric, 19 years old.
Sexual preference: boys, or girls that could easily pass as boys
Interests: Enjoys card games, old shoes, wax candles, and topology.
Only wears American Apparel and Urban Outfitters.
Favorite Band: Hedwig and the Angry Inch (<-not a real band..)
Favorite Movie: Hedwig and the Angry Inch (<-real movie...)
He hopes to find someone that is exactly like him, but more attractive.
Has no real talents or hobbies.
he has an extremely gross blog.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The strongest god given emotion...

is love.

here is a love poem our favorite blogger wrote for us...

Skip the security measures
They can bring you many joys
But be careful my boys
These are not worldly pleasures.
written by: Maciej Makalowski
brilliant. he's brilliant, and in love with us.
make him famous.
also, thank you to the one person who took our poll (located to the side. ->)
we have 300+ grocery lists and nothing to do with them so we might do something with that on the blog. BUT if you want to see more PIZZA or CATS or want to know about weird weird IOWA then you can vote too.
we just want to make you happy.
i'm going to montreal and wont be blogging for about a week. Alexia doesn't have a computer for awhile so we might be silent. dont forget about us because WE LOVE YOU ALL!

because of the fame and stuff we now have....ALIASES
introducing: Luna Zuna


as much love as Maury has for connie chung, WOLF BLITZEN.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


this morning has been really surreal for me. i am astounded, shocked, and even surprised by the feedback we've gotten so far after blogging only once. it is the american mindset to have to work your way to the top and i can proudly say we have done just that. with a little hardwork, impossible is nothing. I opened our email account (xenaswarriorprincesses@gmail.com <--email us!!!!) to over 300 new messages. Among them were journalists, fans, and haters. To all of our fans, we thank you none of this could be possible without you. Always know that you hold a special place in our hearts. To the haters, jealousy is an ugly ugly color on you.
What does this all mean???
well, it means that there are many steps that will be taken to ensure and adjust to this new level of fame. After much deliberation we have decided that we will no longer go by our real names (alyse and alexia,) but new aliases to ensure our safety and keep a low profile. These aliases are to be announced. In the meantime tune into this american life next friday at 8 p.m to listen to our special. We love you Ira Glass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, a special shoutout to our new favorite cat and fan!!! Daisy!!!

Photobucket <--check out this curly cat.

Everything about us

Here's everything you would ever need to know about us.

We are two friends from Cedar Rapids, Iowa that sat next to each other in biology for an entire year before we ever talked. Alexia spent most of the class texting and sleeping and i spent the class drawing tiny pentagons on my desk. We only started talking after we both started working at Hy-Vee, a small grocery chain local to the midwest. We were instantly bonded by our hatred for the store and will continue to work there until we become famous. This blog will detail the long and trying journey to true stardom.

Today i went to best buy and left this blog on several laptop screens in hopes of attracting some publicity. Unfortunately the computer man followed behind me and x-ed out of every page.

Today as a punishment for losing the family music stand (which I did not) i had to hold sheet music in front of my mother for an hour while she practiced her cello.

not famous...yet.

we are planning our halloween fest, any costume ideas?

flood us with comments, make us famous.